Should Have Been Mine
by anneikenskywalker
Summary: Some flashbacks reveal the true nature of Snape and Lily's relationship and how it was mended and bonded by her son and Snape's responsibility for him in the years following her death...


**June 18, 1979**

As dusk broke over Cokesworth, Severus Snape sat against the old oak tree on the hillside, looking down over his old hometown. The orange and pink sky was a beautiful backdrop to the small hamlet dotted in streetlights.

He could remember when he and Lily would sit in the exact same spot years before as children, leaning against the back of the great oak and watching the sun go down and the dusk sky rise. And later, when the stars came out, they would look for constellations as well as make up their own.

It was a bitter sweet memory since he and Lily hadn't really spoken to each other since that night four years ago outside the Gryffindor common room.

When the invite had arrived at his parent's home nearly a month before, he had been completely taken aback. As he opened the large silver envelope, over breakfast one morning with his mother, his heart stopped when he read the red scrolled parchment also etched in silver.

 _ **Mr. and Mrs. Damon Evans**_

 _ **Request your presence at the marriage of their daughter**_

 _ **Lily**_

 _ **To**_

 _ **James Edmund Potter**_

 _ **At their home**_

 _ **On the 18th June Nineteen Hundred and seventy nine**_

 _ **At four o' clock**_

 _ **With reception to follow at dusk**_

Eileen Snape had watched as her son, without a word, hastily tore up the invite before leaving the table.

Now as he sat beneath the great oak, it lay in pieces in his jacket pocket.

The last thing he wanted in the world was to be a guest at James Potter's wedding to his best friend and soul mate.

But, if it could finally make things right between him and Lily, then he would go.

# # # # # #

With as much strength as he could muster, he pushed himself off the tree and to his feet. And, after a moment's pause, he began making his way down the steep hill to the east side of Spinner's End.

The Evans home was the farthest outskirts of town. A two story white Victorian, tonight it was covered garden to gutter in frosted twinkle lights. The tall, white tents set up on the lawn, formed a glowing semi-circle around the right side of the house and the sounds coming from them were loud and joyous.

As he walked through the picketed gate and up the stone pathway toward the main tent, he encountered a warbling rotund man, who now emerged from behind some nearby shrubbery and proceeded to walk backwards toward him, his arms swinging in every direction and singing loudly between hiccups.

Severus tried to step off the path and into the grass to the let the man, who obviously couldn't see him, pass. But, just as he had stepped out of the way, the man swayed and lost his balance completely, falling right onto him.

As Severus buckled under the man's weight and gave a groan as he caught the man in his wiry arms. The man wriggled in his grasp and soon they found themselves face to face with each other. It was Professor Horace Slughorn, Head of Slytherin House.

"Severus! Severus Shnape!" he hiccupped again, his breath smelling of fresh brewed summer ale, "Oh! My boy! Hello! And congratulations! You and B—Evans will be very happy together—"

"But, Professor—" Snape smiled awkwardly

"No—No need to thank me, my boy! Partaking of your ale was thanks enough! What a splendid par _tay,_ " he slurred as he sniffed and then swung himself back and out of Severus' arms, "I only wist I could stay longer, but do dansh with Lily for me and tell her that she couldn't have found a better man than you, Severoos".

He patted Snape on the chest and with another hiccup, looked around confused.

"Now, where's my broom?"

# # # # # # #

The entire dance floor clapped and shouted in excitement as James Potter, dressed in a red corduroy suit danced with his bride through a makeshift tunnel and out the other side, spinning her in a circle as the dance came to an end.

They fell into each other's arms, laughing and a little off balance.

As the commotion died down, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin came up to the couple. Remus whispered something in James' ear that Lily couldn't hear then disappeared out of the tent toward the main house.

James turned to his bride.

"I'm sorry, Lily, I have to leave you for a few minutes. The Aurors just apparated in from London and they wish to have word with the Order about You Know Who's recent movements."

"Well, I want to come too." Lily said in a low voice, "I am a member of the Order after all."

"I know, sweetheart, but if we _both_ leave, it might draw attention from our Muggle guests," he said, looking over at Lily's parents, excitedly chatting with Professor McGonnagal.

He smiled and kissed her on the cheek.

"Don't worry," he winked, "I've secured that you will not be left unattended or without entertainment."

Lily was just able to furrow her brow and get out a 'what?', before James grabbed her right elbow once more and spun her around and into the arms of Sirius Black as the next song started.

"Hey Beautiful," Sirius said over the music as they started to dance to the techno beat, keeping a firm grasp around her waist as they moved in time to the music.

" _Dear God_!" Lily smiled, looking down to their feet, "You are a really good dancer!"

Sirius laughed as he released her waist, then grabbed her arms and spinned her out, before pulling her back to him.

"Yes, I've got moves…most of which the world have _never seen_. Including, this one!" he said with a mockingly smug air.

Lily giggled as he released her again and started thumb jiving and shaking his hips as he moving around her in a circle.

She was still dancing and laughing when suddenly she noticed that Sirius had not come completely around her.

She slowed her dancing as she turned around the floor, searching for him, but he was nowhere to be found.

Then it happened.

The crowd parted and the music faded into the background and all she saw was _him._

They stared at each other across the room for a few seconds before she finally made her way slowly to where he was standing at the edge of the tent.

As she approached, she gave a warm, but apprehensive smile.

"Sev?"

Severus Snape shifted nervously, putting his hands in his pants pockets.

"Hi, Lily."

"What are you doing here?"

"You invited me, remember?"

Lily smiled, happiness seeming to creep into her pale green eyes, "I _never_ thought you would come."

"Of course I would… especially, if _you_ asked."

"Why?"

Severus looked hard into her eyes, "You _know_ why"

That did the trick.

She spooked, turning from him quickly, ready to walk away.

"I don't have time for games, Severus."

"Please. _Wait_ …" he said, grabbing her elbow gently to stop her.

Lily turned back, looking down to his hand touching her skin.

He immediately pulled back as if he had been electrocuted.

They stared at each other for a moment, trying to figure out what it all meant.

Then, the music started up again.

It was a slower song than the one she and Sirius had danced to so joyously only minutes before.

"Will you dance with me?" Severus asked suddenly

Lily took a deep breath then nodded nervously as she moved toward him.

At first, she had expected him to take her into the traditional frame dance pose, but he didn't.

She wasn't sure what exactly happened, but they immediately found themselves enfolded in each other's arms. Her left arm around his rib cage and her right hand resting on the crook of his left arm as his arms folded around her waist.

It had been years since they had been so close, as their foreheads touched and she inhaled his familiar scent and closed her eyes, she felt like she was safe—she was home.

It just happened and it seemed so natural.

It didn't bother her, dancing with him like this.

What bothered her was that they were so close and he still hadn't really said anything.

It had been four years since he had called her a 'Mudblood' and he had yet to break the ice.

They slowly circled the edge of the dance floor a couple of times, her head falling on his shoulder, before he finally spoke.

"Lily, I came here tonight to tell you that how sorry I am about—well—about what I said. I can't tell you how surprised I was to get your invitation. It was almost like a sign. I've wanted to see you again, face to face, for so long and tell you that I never meant those things I said to you that night. That's all I've thought about these past four years—how I hurt you. I never _meant_ to. I was going through something then, something that I didn't understand and I was scared and alone and angry and I took it out on you."

"I always knew that Severus. It just _hurt_."

"I never meant to hurt you, Lily, and I would die before I ever hurt you like that again. I care about you so much. I just want you to be happy. That's why I came. I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to see you again, so I wanted to tell you in person…apologize."

Lily looked up into his eyes, "What do you mean by that?"

"I'm leaving town for awhile and I might not be back for some time—"

"Where are you going?"

"I can't say."

"With who?"

"I can't say."

"Severus." Lily smirked, confused

"Lily, please. I'm _forbidden_ to say. I—I just wanted to see you again, to set eyes on you one more time before I leave," he said as he studied your face with his dark brown eyes, "and I know that it's been a long time and that we've barely spoken, but I so badly want to be your friend, again, to know that you don't hate me. I know things can't be _exactly_ as they were, but I really want us to be able to talk again, like we use to. I miss that. I miss my friend."

"I miss you, too, Sev."

"I know that I don't exactly deserve your forgiveness, but I _need_ it—"

"You don't have to ask for it because you already have it. You've had it for four years." Lily smiled

"Thanks" Severus returned a smile of his own as he pulled her closer and her head fell back on his shoulder.

After a few moments, Lily asked, "Will you write to me when you go?"

"Of course, if you want me to."

"I do. Just don't have Sirius do any abracadabra charades when he delivers _them,_ okay?"

" _Whatever do you mean_?" Severus chuckled

Lily lifted her head again and gave him a knowing eye before looking over her shoulder to Sirius Black standing at the bar talking to Alphias Dodge and Shaklebolt.

As he noticed her glance, he winked and raised his glass of bourbon in her direction in a toast.

She turned back to Severus.

"Oh, _Please_. What was that dancing distraction- disco-disaster that Sirius performed earlier?"

Severus's head fell back as he laughed.

" _That?_ Well, Black owed me a favor."

" _What?"_ Lily asked with a furrowed brow

"Yeah."

"Severus, come on…Sirius, James and Remus practically wiped the floor with you when we were at Hogwarts. And now you are saying that he owes you a favor?"

"That was Hogwarts, Lily. We were kids. Out in the grown up world, things are different. I pulled his rear-end out of the flames once and he owed me one—no big deal. I got what I wanted and now we are square."

"You pulled his 'rear-end out of the flames'? What does that mean?"

"A dragon."

"A dragon?!"

"Yes. Quite literally a Hungarian Horntail."

Lily's rolled her eyes, "Boys."

"Plus," Severus said, nodding in Sirius's direction, then looked back down to her, "He's a sucker for a good love story."

Lily met his gaze for a moment.

The air between them was electric again.

It was just as Severus began to lean in to her that she felt a hand grab her arm and pull her away.

# # # # # # # # # #

"Let go of me!" Lily cried as she pulled her arm hard out of her new husband's grasp, the force spinning her directly into the center island of her parent's kitchen. The island shook with the force of the hit and some finger sandwiches in a glass serving dish flew over the other side, smashing onto the marble flooring.

Lily took a deep breath as she turned back to face her angry husband with a flushed face. It was dark and quiet in their parent's house and they were alone.

"I thought we had an understanding, Lily that you were _never_ to speak to that Death Eater again!" James snarled

"Don't call him that!" Lily stepped forward and slapped him across the face and he reeled back, "Not in front of me!"

James' nostrils flared as he turned his head back in her direction, a mark now clearly forming on his face.

"But, that is what he _is_ , Lily!"

Lily closed her eyes in distain and turned her back on him, leaning forward on the counter.

"I refuse to believe that—"she began

"Lily you have to," James said, reaching out to her as he stepped forward, his anger slowly dissipating, "The Severus Snape you knew is gone! He's _been gone_ since our fifth year. Hell, maybe even before that. He abandoned you, Lily—he chose a different side."

"No." she whispered, shaking her head as James moved closer and took her shoulders, turning her to face him.

"Lily, stop torturing yourself. You couldn't stop it then and you can't stop it now. Why do you keep defending him?"

"Because," Lily said meeting his gaze, "When I first learned I was a witch, he was the only person in my world, besides my parents, who didn't see me as a freak," she cried, "He was my best friend. And one fight four years ago doesn't just erase _all_ of that."

James face softened at the sight of her tears, "Lily what is it? Why are you acting like this? What did he say to you?"

"I love you, James, I _do._ And I'm happy—I'm _really happy_ ….It's just…"

She looked down, squinting her eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears now pouring like a river from her pale green irises.

"You love him." James resigned

Lily bowed her head lower.

"Come on Lil," James said, gripping her shoulders tighter, "Remus saw you two at the reception dancing—"

Lily looked up into his face, "My God, what are we? Sixteen years-old again?! Where you're having your friend spy on your girlfriend and when she dances with some other guy he runs off to tell you?—"

"You are my wife now, Lily, not just my girlfriend, and this isn't ridiculous! Do you _love_ him?"

Lily again pulled herself out of James' grasp and leaned back on the counter pulling her arms around her self, rubbing where his hands had been gripping her biceps.

"I don't know…all I know is that—that I _need_ him. He wants to make up. He wants to be my friend again. I can't just let that pass by."

James took a deep breath.

"Lily, it's not that you still have feelings for him that vexes me, I think I've always known that there was always something more between you—I—I just don't want anything to happen to you. If Voldemort or any of the other Death Eaters, Malfoy or Carrow, for example," he said, raising his eyebrows, "knew that he still has an attachment to you or you to him, God only knows how they might react! They could use it against us or, worse, the Order."

Lily went rigid as James leaned in to look into her eyes.

"You have to let him go, Lily. I know you sent him the invite, like you sent him that note three months ago warning him of the Auror raid on the Riddle house. I found the note when we turned the place over. I had to keep it from my superiors at the Auror's office, Lily— _my boss_. I could have lost my job. I know it's hard, but it must be done for everyone's safety. He can't be trusted anymore—he's a Death Eater. And worse than that, Albus believes that he's Voldemort's right hand. He's killed people, Lily— _our friends._ He's not who he once was. You can't let him near you."

He scoffed as he pulled back, and continuing to keep eye contact with her, walked backwards toward the foyer door. After a few steps, he turned toward it, and as he passed through the door frame, said over his shoulder, "The dark arts changes people. He's not your friend anymore. If he is still in there, he's buried deep within."

# # # # # # # # # # #

 **May, 1980**

Lily Potter arrived at the Snape family home, just at the far part of Spinner's End.

No one answered when she rang the bell, but when she looked in through the front window she saw a fire crackling in the fireplace. There was even a glass of whiskey still on the side table near an early issue of the Daily Prophet.

Furrowing her brow, she moved to the front door once more. Testing the handle, she found it unlocked.

She smiled to herself as she gently pushed it open and cautiously stepped inside.

As she entered the main foyer, she looked round for any sign of Snape, but there was none. She walked down the hall and entered the back parlor, moving close to the still burning fire in the fireplace, put out her hands to warm them near the flames.

After a few moments, she unbuttoned her coat, touching her swollen stomach for a moment before her eyes drifted up to the mantel piece.

In the middle sat a small chime clock with a gold plated face.

Flanking it on either side were two photographs.

The one on the left was of a middle-aged woman with long dark hair and sullen, almond shaped eyes.

It was Snape's mother.

Lily had only seen her once, the day that they had left for Hogwarts their first year. She now sat smiling meekly at her once more through the glass.

Her eyes then moved to the second photograph and she froze.

It was of her and Snape their fourth year.

It was outside in the Hogwarts courtyard. They were dressed in their house robes.

She remembered that day well…

It was the day Lucius Malfoy was taking a photo for Snape to send to his mother and Lily interrupted it.

Lily gave a small smile as she watched the teenage version of herself drop her bag behind a posing Severus and then jump on his back and hug him around the neck from behind, nuzzling him. There was a look of pleasant surprise on his face and they both smiled as he looked over his shoulder at her.

He then twirled around in a circle with her still on his back as she hung on for dear life, laughing.

As it repeated, Lily couldn't help but think how it reminded her of a similar picture of her and James that Sirius had taken in the fall near the square in Godric's Hollow the year they were married.  
It also made her think about the choices she had made and how things could have been so different.

It was as she turned to take in the rest of the room, that she saw it…

It had been hidden from view from the window.

It was a dark walnut vanishing cabinet.

When Lily passed through, she couldn't believe where she ended up.

Vanishing cabinets had become very popular since Voldemort had risen to power.  
Almost every wizarding family had one—a means of escaping Death Eaters at a moment's notice.

But, vanishing cabinets were tricky object and very temperamental.

Often a witch or a wizard could pre-set a destination through a series of magical mending or incantations, so that when they stepped inside, the cabinet would automatically send them to a certain time or place.

Quite often they chose a place that had special meaning for them.

This was definitely Severus Snape's vanishing cabinet, because for all his brilliance, the vanishing cabinet hadn't taken him far.

Lily was surprised to find herself less than a mile from the Snape home, up on Reacher's Hill, under the old great oak where they first met as young children.

She could feel the breeze off of the nearby lake and, as she turned and her eyes grazed the landscape, she finally saw him on the other side of the tree, leaning up against the part where they had carved their initials into the hard wood their second summer together.

"Sev?" she asked in a quiet voice as she approached.

Snape turned back and smiled, a bit of confusion on his face.

"How did you find me?" he asked as he rose slowly to his feet to face her.

Lily could see where the tears welling in his eyes.

She moved forward to wipe under his left eye, but he was quick to grab her hand gently, prompting her to answer.

"You're my best friend, Severus," she smiled, "I always know where you are. I'll always know where to find you."

"Always?" he asked

"Always".

# # # # # # # # #

 **Godric's Hollow, November 1, 1981**

A white cat ran frightened down the otherwise dark and quiet cobblestone main street as a growing light in the distance descended through the clouds.

With a loud thunking noise, the old motorcycle and side car landed hard onto the stones and finally skidded to a halt a few feet past the main gate of the Potter house.

The town seemed deserted.

No dogs barking, no candlelight in any of the windows—yet, at the same time it didn't seem so odd.

Most people had fled their homes or had gone into hiding when Voldemort had returned.  
If only they knew that it was over now—that Lily and James Potter and their young son had paid the price for that mercy.

As the Hagrid brushed himself off and stood, removing his goggles, he felt a range of emotions come over him as he finally got a look at the home where the last stand had taken place against The Dark lord only twenty four hours earlier.

Dumbledore had warned him, but he still found himself unprepared for the sight before him.

The house was virtually demolished, save for the first floor, with smoke still rising into the autumn night sky.

Hagrid stood quiet for a few moments, thinking of the Potters and young Harry.

The Potters had always been kind to him, both as students at Hogwarts and later as members of the Order of the Phoenix. They had always considered him a friend, and he thought the same of them.

Suddenly, a loud clicking noise sounded nearby and broke his thoughts as it radiated in the quiet night.

As he looked around, Hagrid immediately noticed that the front door of a small cottage only a few houses down from the Potter's had now opened and was casting a path of bright light out into the darkness.

Bathilda Bagshot, known magical historian and Dumbledore's longest living friend, slowly peered her head out around the corner of the door frame.

When she saw Hagrid, she nodded curtly, and he nodded back—somewhat confused—as he watched her pull herself back inside.

Dumbledore had mentioned that someone would meet him in Godric's Hollow.

He must have meant her.

But it wasn't Bathilda Bagshot who now descended the front steps of the cottage, it was a taller, darker figure, dressed in a black tailored suit and hooded cape.

The figure carried something under the front of the cape, for it bulged out quite prominently.

Hagrid straightened and took a step back, placing his right hand on the wand under his heavy overcoat, clearly on his guard.

As the figure approached, Hagrid didn't relax as he found himself looking upon the long, pale face of Severus Snape.

"Snape?" Hagrid asked incredulously as Snape shook his head and the hood of the cape fell back onto his shoulders.

Surely, Dumbledore didn't mean for this known Death Eater to be the messenger that was to meet him at Godric's Hollow.

"You can relax the hand at your wand, Hagrid. I am unarmed," Snape said in a monotone voice as he drew closer.

"Well—uh—" Hagrid furrowed his brow as he finally relaxed his hand and removed it from his coat, bringing it back into view, "Alright then."

Snape took a deep breath and pulled an object out from under his long cape and handed it to Hagrid.

Hagrid took it into his hands and immediately recognized it. It was James Potter's invisibility cloak tied in a bundle with twine.

A family heirloom, James had used the rare magical object many times to spy on Death Eaters and Ministry aids for the Order.

"Be sure Dumbledore receives that. I retrieved it before the Aurors arrived. I know he will not want it falling into the wrong hands."

Hagrid nodded solemnly, then turned and placed it carefully into the motorcycle's side car.

"So, is that it, then?" he asked as he turned back to Snape.

Snape hesitated a moment before reaching back into the front of his cloak, retrieving something tucked under his left arm.

" _No_ ….actually, there is something else, or rather _someone_ …"

Hagrid watched in shock as a small infant wrapped in a small blue blanket emerged from the dark shield of the cloak.  
Hagrid immediately recognized Lily and James' son.

"Blimey!" he cried, "Harry's alive?!"

Snape closed his eyes with indignation.

"Well, he _won't be_ for long if you let every Death Eater within a five mile radius hear you!" he said in a harsh, but quiet tone.

" _I'm sorry_ ," Hagrid said in a lower tone, now looking around at the still abandoned street, "It's—well—it's just that Dumbledore had said that no one had survived—that they all had—well _… you know_..."

"Dumbledore is smart. He has to keep Harry's existence a secret, even from the ministry… at least for now. He knows that if the Death Eaters knew the boy was still alive, they would hunt him down and kill him without a moment's hesitation to avenge the Dark Lord's demise. He wouldn't be safe," Snape said as he looked down at the sleeping infant, whose face bore a striking resemblance to his father…except his eyes.

He had Lily Evan's eyes.

They were closed now, but earlier that night, he had seen them clear as day.

He had arrived too late at the Potter House to save Harry's parents.

He found James Potter first, dead on the stairs, then Lily only yards away on the floor of the nursery, not far from where their one year-old son sat in his crib.

Snape remembered that the infant didn't cry when he saw Snape.

He didn't even look frightened.

He just stared at him with piercing green eyes.

 _Her_ eyes.

Snape broke from his thoughts and found Hagrid staring at him.

"You should go now," Snape said, shifting Harry in his own arms before handing him gently to Hagrid, "Dumbledore and McGonagall will be waiting."

As the giant's arms swallowed the sleeping infant, Harry stirred and whimpered, his eyes lashes fluttering.

Snape smirked a little at this, but inside his heart was breaking.

He had convinced himself that what was happening was for best. Dumbledore had sent word that he had located Lily's sister, Petunia, and that for the time being the boy would be safe with her and her husband in the Muggle world.

It would be the last place Voldemort's followers would come looking for Harry.

Snape didn't know what the future really held for the boy.

All he wondered in that moment, as he watched Hagrid speed off into the night with his precious cargo toward Little Winching, was if he was destined to ever see this piece of Lily Evans again.

# # # # # # # # # #

 **May, 1991**

Snape looked to the stained glass window in the Hogwarts infirmary as first light began to creep through.

He rubbed at his eyes and inhaled deeply as he sat up in the chair next to the hospital bed that held a battered, but sleeping, Harry Potter.

As he licked his dry lips and crossed his arms across his chest, blinking away the sleep from his eyes, he studied the boy as he breathed quiet and steadily under the sheet.

His right hand was bandaged and there were some cuts and scratches on the right side of his face along and under his eye.

Snape smirked as he thought of how brave the boy had been, facing down Quirrell in the dungeons and taking back the Sorcerer's Stone.

After a year, he was coming to admire the child's tenacity and spirit. He was a lot like Lily in that regard—not only was he clever, willful, and extremely stubborn, but he was also unfailingly kind.

"Severus?" Albus Dumbledore's voice preceded the elderly Headmaster as he entered the room.

Severus immediately sat up and turned his chair to face the door, "Headmaster."

"You're still here?" the elder wizard asked as he rounded the end of Harry's bed and looked in at the sleeping boy, "it's almost dawn. You should rest. Has no one come to relieve you?"

"Flitwick was here earlier, but I sent him away." Snape said, rubbing his hands together as he leaned forward in his chair, his elbows balancing on his knees.

"Yes," Dumbledore said, looking over now at his Potions master, "You seem to have done that to everyone—Professor McGonagall, Madame Pomfrey, Hagrid—"

"He's _my_ responsibility." Snape said, meeting Dumbledore's gaze.

"That is very right and noble of you Severus, but you have a Potions class in a few hours and I would imagine the students wouldn't want their Potions master blowing them to bits due to lack of sleep, do you?" he winked

Snape smirked.

Dumbledore nodded with a smile as he rounded the end of the bed again and approached Snape.

"Now, if you would be so kind as to relinquish your seat to an old man…"

Snape stood and circled Dumbledore as the latter took his place with a sigh as his back touched the hard wood.

Severus looked back over his shoulder to Harry lying in the bed behind him.

"Don't worry, Severus. Mr. Potter will be well tended. I sleep with one eye open, you know." Dumbledore said in a kind voice as he watched Snape studying the face of the sleeping boy.

Without thinking, Snape suddenly turned and moved toward Harry, reaching out a tentative hand and resting it gently on the boy's forehead.

The boy whimpered a little and turned his head out of Snape's touch.

Snape smiled weakly.

"It should have been so different," he said in a quiet voice as he pulled his hand back, but continued to stare at the boy, "You should have never been James Potter's son…you should have been _mine."_


End file.
